First, this is an attempt to a different type of storytelling. Stay with it and you may be rewarded with a chuckle. Don’t expect much from it. But if you like me are a fan of absurd comedies, this might be just one of the stories that you narrate as your own.
So, without much further ado, let’s get rolling (pun intended).
Prologue:
The following story has 3 different people narrating the story of one fateful night that has now been etched in their memory forever. For your understanding, the story is divided into 3 parts.
Also, assuming that most of the readers are familiar with How I met Your Mother and are well aware of what a sandwich is in the HIMYM universe. For your reference here’s the scene that’ll explain what it means to eat a sandwich.
Part 1: The Party — Storyteller — Neha
It was Ambika’s birthday and we decided to party and crash at her place. Thankfully, it was a Friday night and none of us had to go back to our internships the following day. Only Ajinkya had to and so he decided to not show up for the party at all. Good thing for him (and us), he doesn’t drink anyways.
I’ll tell you the story from where I got involved in the incident.
So basically, after quite a few rounds of beer and a couple of sandwiches we are all sitting on the couch. By we, I mean, Me, Ambika, Diya, Chirag, Ambika’s brother and Prem.
Now, it is very important to know the position at which I was sitting and where the couch was located in the drawing room. The couch in that room is placed in such a way that any one sitting on it is directly looking at the door of the washroom which is around 20–30 meters from the couch. It is a different thing that I felt it was almost half a kilometer away that night. You’ll know why very soon.
Suddenly I realize that Prem has been missing for a really long time. I am not sure at that moment if it has actually been a long time or I felt it that way because of the sandwiches I’d had that night. You see sandwiches have a tendency to make things slow for you. I assumed it was because of the sandwiches and decided to remain silent. But due to some strange reason my eyes were just fixed on the washroom door that was also shut for the longest time. I just assumed that Prem is in the washroom.
After what felt like hours (even though it was just 30 minutes — which I got to know later of course) I see the washroom door open. But to my surprise, I don’t see any one coming out of it. It was a bit spooky for me but I assumed it’s the sandwich doing its work. But then I hear someone screaming my name for help. From what I remember, it sounded like, “Nehaaaaaaaaaaaa”. I glanced a little to my left and to my horror I see Prem, holding the door of the washroom and crying out to me for help.
Now, there is a thing about sanwiches. It makes you slow but at the same time it also makes you panic at the slightest hint of a crisis. And Prem crying out to me was not just any crisis it was a matter of life and death — to both of us. And without even thinking for a second, I jumped out of the couch and with all the little strength I had left in me I rushed towards Prem. And believe me, this is true, I shouted out his name in the filmiest way possible, “Prrrrrrreeeemmmmmm….”
By the time we reached out to him and could offer any help, he had passed out.
The others had joined in by then and we were all looking at what seemed to us like a lifeless body. It wasn’t.
Chirag: Guys. I think I see Prem on the floor. Is he dead?
Diya: Nooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Me: Oh God. What just happened. This is because of me. I knew that the sandwich might be spiked. But I still served it to everyone.
For 5 minutes all of us were just staring at Prem thinking that he’s dead. And then something happened.
“Guys, Prem has just passed out. Let’s take him to the bed. He’ll be fine in the morning”, said Ajinkya. Now see, Like I said earlier, Ajinkya wasn’t there that night. But we all can swear that we heard him say the above lines. And maybe for the first time in our lives, we listened to what he had to say. Funny thing, he wan’t even there.
It took us took some time to get out of panic mode and with all our strength lifted him up and took him to the bed. For the sanctity of the story I will end my part here. Part 2 of this story will be narrated by the man himself — Prem.
Part 2: It happened that night — Storyteller — Prem
The initial part of the story has already been covered by Neha. I never knew that me in crisis is a matter of life and death for her. For this, I’ll be ever so grateful to her.
Coming to my part of the story.
After about a couple of hours into the party and if I remember correctly, almost 3 bottles of beers later, I found another bottle of beer open just lying around there. On enquiring about it, I was told that it was Diya’s bottle but she wasn’t feeling well and decided to give this bottle a skip. On hearing this, the Mallu inside me woke up. I said to myself, “Yaar, beer hai. Thanda hai. Aur Gurgaon mein garmi bhi bahut hai. Chal pee leta hu”.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done that.
After another hour and a couple of sandwiches later when all of us had safely occupied our places on the couch, out of nowhere, Ambika’s brother comes out from another room with one more sandwich. And trust me, it was a big fucking sandwich. Neha and Ambika said they will skip it. But once again, I said to myself, “Yaar, sandwich hai. Itni mehnat se banaya hai usne. Khaa lete hai”.
In hindsight, I shouldn’t have done that.
So after some more time, the 4 bottles of beer finally decide to come out and starts knocking on my intestines. I tried to ignore it for a while but had to finally give up at a point when my bladder was about to burst. With great effort I got up from the couch and walked towards the washroom which felt like it was almost half a kilometer away.
There is this amazing ability that I have. I can literally do anything I set my mind to even when I am pissed drunk or completely full of sandwiches. But at this moment I was both drunk and full. The ability only applies in an either or scenario.
A bit of the details are hazy but the next thing I remember is that I am standing in front of the pot with the lower end of the t-shirt in my mouth and my hand on my zip. For a while I was confused if I was already done with the job or is it still pending. My bladder cleared the confusion in no time.
Now, this is where things get interesting or maybe fuzzy. After I am done with the job, I realize I have practically no strength left in me and so I sat down on the pot and went off to sleep in no time.
I remember waking up to the sound of the flush going off. May be my back touched it as there is no other logical reason for the flush to go off. A few minutes later I realize that I have been here for a very long time now and I was in no mood to embarrass myself in front of a room full of people. So I decide to sober up a bit before stepping out. The plan was full-proof in my head. All I had to do was somehow reach the washbasin from the pot, wash my face, open the door and walk back cool(ly) to the couch and sit down. You know, act all cool as if nothing has happened. If anyone says anything, I just had to say that they’ve had one too many sandwiches and I was away for only a few minutes. Perfect, right? I know.
But here’s the thing. I overestimated my capacity to carry out the plan. This, I realized the moment I got up from the pot and tried to move my feet towards the washbasin.
Well, this is when my feet decided to give up. I fell on the floor face down. But I had set my mind to reach the washbasin and I had to do it no matter what. To explain the next few moments of my life I use the example of Leonardo DiCaprio from the movie Wolf of Wall Street where with all his strength he crawls back to his car, drives it and reaches his home. I did the same, just that I had to cover only 10 meters. But trust me, it felt like a 100 meters at that time. With great difficulty and all my strength, I took the support of the washbasin and stood up.
The next step was relatively easy. I opened the tap and splashed some water on my face for the next few minutes. No matter how much water I splashed, it somehow felt less. I closed the tap, saw myself in the mirror, adjusted my hair and tried to act all cool according to the plan. After all, this was the time to use all the Mallu swag I have inherited.
The next few steps from the washbasin to the door were difficult but I made it. Now the door didn’t have any lock on its center. It only had a stopper at the top and a handle in the center. I held the handle and opened the door just a little so as to check the situation outside. But all that I could see was a loooooong way back to the couch.
A time comes in a man’s life when he decides to quit. This was the time in my life that night. All I wanted to do at that moment was close my eyes and leave the rest to the universe. And this is exactly what I did. I closed my eyes, put my hand on the handle of the door and tried to rest my head on the closed door. What I had forgotten was that I had opened the door a while back. The moment I rested my head on the door, the door just flew open and with my hand on the handle I slid almost 180 degrees along with the door. Now, in my head I am acting according to the plan and so I try to act all cool. I see Neha and callout to her, “Hey Neha”. But the next thing I see is Neha getting up from the couch and running towards me shouting, Prrrrrrreeeemmmmmmm”.
Blackout.
I don’t remember what happened next. A few hours later into the night I wake up to find myself all alone on the master bed, with my socks still on. I see there is a bucket placed strategically in front of the bed. I turn around and find another bucket placed at the back of the bed and two more buckets on either side of the bed. I remember thinking, “Ambika has way too many buckets for just the 2 of them in a house”. Let’s use one of them. I picked the one closest to me and used the bucket for what it was placed there and went back to sleep. Next morning, I wake up and narrate the entire incident to my girlfriend. I didn’t want to take any chances as this was a recent development and I didn’t want her to hear about this from anyone else.
That’s it. That is what happened to me that night. It might seem funny right now, but trust me, it isn’t when it is happening to you.
Side Note: Well, for most people the story actually ends here. But there is one small and important part of the story remaining. This part was later included in this story as it was agreed by all the membrs at a later date that It completed the story. It gave the story the necessary climax (or anti-climax) that it required. So, here it is.
Part 3: The (Anti) Climax — Storyteller: Amy (Prem’s girlfriend)
I wasn’t present that night and so I always rely on Neha’s and Prem’s version of their stories. To understand the end of this story and for a good impact you have to recollect Prem’s position when he was inside the washroom crawling his way back to the washbasin. I’ll give you guys a minute to do that. Yes, that scene from The Wolf of Wall Street. Done? Good.
Now, the next morning I meet Ambika, the birthday girl. She walks up to me and in a way that is completely typical of her she says, “Yaar Amy. Do you know what your lover did last night?
Now, I was already given a complete account of what had transpired last night. So I acted all cool and said, “Han. Prem passed out na. And you guys panicked”.
To my surprise and maybe to everyone else’s later on. She said, “Arey wo sab toh theek hai. Par yaar usne hamara washbasin todd diya yaar kal raat ko. Not just that, the curtains that separate the pot area from the washroom is also down with the rod”.
I couldn’t help but just laugh hysterically in front of her and Ambika was standing in front of me with an open mouth and disgust and her face.
Explanation (updated for those who didn’t get it): That’s it. Ambika’s conversation with Amy is what completes this story and makes it memorable for everyone associated to it. Because no matter what everyone could think of, no one in their right minds (or sandwhich filled minds) could have guessed that Prem while getting up with the support of the washbasin actually broke it when he got up. Remember, The Wolf of Wall Street.
Epilogue
Ajinkya: I was there that night. These guys always ignore me.
